What can you discover from this article?
- PARENTING STYLES- what is your style?
- EXPLANATIONS OF THE 3 STYLES OF PARENTING explanations and
- HOW YOU CAN RAISE A WELL ADJUSTED ADULT
- SPANKING
SPANKING? MAYBE THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO RAISE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS WHO CAN MAKE DECISIONS IN SOCIETY. We all love our children and want the best for them. We all want our children to thrive. Do you want your kids to be obedient soldiers or do you want to help them bring their unique talents to the world, be accepted and to have good relationships? If you are having problems with your child, maybe your style of parenting is not working. Discipline and spanking may not be the problem. Wouldn’t you rather have the cooperation of your children? What are you modeling for your children or grandchildren by your parenting style?
PARENTING STYLES: A guide to figure out your style
TAKE THIS QUIZ TO SEE WHAT TYPE OF PARENT YOU ARE take this 15 minute QUIZ: https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/parenting-style.htm
THREE STYLES OF PARENTING and WHAT TYPE OF ADULT ARE YOU HELPING TO CREATE?
- Authoritarian parenting: These parents have high expectations and often overwhelm their children with strict rules and regulations. These parents rule with an iron fist and often “scare” their children into obedience. Parents who utilize this type of parenting style might be referred to as “bossy,” “high strung,” or controlling and abusive. Fathers who are authoritarian rarely show affection and might even keep a distance from their children emotionally and psychologically, believing that this is a “healthy fear of authority.” I would venture to say that children who come from these households often stray so much that they become substance abusers, lack appropriate boundaries in relationships, and might even resort to suicide if they feel pressured to be perfect for their parent(s).
Children who grow up in these households often rebel and become problematic in families and in society. These kids grow into juvenile delinquents, substance abusers, or complete rebels (getting tattoos, piercings, engaging in multiple short-lived relationships, prostituting, etc.). You might have heard of kids who grow up in very strict political or religious homes who become “wild adults.”
- Permissive parenting (or indulgent parenting): Parents who exhibit this style of parenting can be mistaken as the child’s sister, aunt, or babysitter. This type of parent makes very few demands and does not have control over their child or children. These parents are often the parents who call “SuperNanny” to come and help them because their child has little to no respect for them. Permissive parents really don’t care about implementing values or rules into the lives of their child or children. They ultimately want to be their child’s friend or would rather be “accepted” by their child rather than respected. There is no “healthy fear” of authority and no respect. In return, the parent just feels like “oh well, what can I do.” You may have heard some parents say in embarrassment after their child does something wrong “Oh well…that’s Kevin, what can I say?”
Children who grow up in these households lack personal restraint and can pass for children with ADHD. These kids have no boundaries and respect for others personal space. They can be considered “wild” and out of control. Teens who have permissive parents often seek love, affection, and direction from others in the world and may fall into negative relationships as a result. Adults who have been raised by permissive parents may have trouble managing relationships or adult responsibilities.”
- Authoritative parenting: My mother was authoritative and many of the parents in my family. Authoritative parenting is well-organized and these parents often have a goal of properly raising their children and being balanced. These parents are not overly strict, yet they know how to make their child respect authority and develop appropriate values and boundaries. Authoritative households are often calmer and seem well-adjusted to life. Kids are expected to follow the rules established by the adults in the household, but it is okay if the child makes a mistake or needs to be reminded of their place as the child. These parents are often fair and firm when they need to be.
Children in these households often develop into well-adjusted adults who hold specific values. They are able to pass milestones without extreme setbacks and are often strong mentally and emotionally.
UTUBE: FOUR TYPES OF PARENTING STYLES: This short concise explanation adds the style of Uninvolved Parenting to the 3 styles above. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3g0kKD4txo
PARENTING STYLES AND THEIR INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN Comparing parenting styles and their influence on children. Educational Psychology Class Dr. Weller-Clarke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ2Hw2_hiK8
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING AND IT’S CONSEQUENCES: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj64B6P9bxs Watch as Parents Magazine gives advice for parents on the authoritarian parenting style! Authoritarian parents place high demands on their children and believe the parents have the household power. This style of parent involvement tends to use negative forms of discipline, such as taking away privileges or spanking to punish bad behavior. Authoritarian parental guidance does not usually respond to a child’s feelings or opinions. These parents often respond to questioning with “Because I said so,” and they have very firm rules. Parenting in the authoritarian right tends to lead children to rebel later in life. This form of child parenting is not effective at teaching, and it does not usually spur good behavior. As a parent, you want to help your child build a solid foundation of independence, not anger or a bad attitude!
A FUNNY LOOK AT THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF AUTHORITARIAN VS. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING: From a comedy series: Authoritarian vs. Authoritative Parenting- Hint the Father is the Authoritarian. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chLIBfSXMuk
From- Parenting: How Your Style Can Negatively Affect Mental Health
By Támara Hill, MS, LPC https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2014/09/parenting-how-your-style-can-negatively-affect-mental-health/ read the article and watch the Utube
HOW YOU CAN RAISE A WELL ADJUSTED ADULT:
HOW TO BE AN AUTHORITATIVE PARENT: UTUBE PRESENTATION BY CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST NEIL FELLOWES: “This generation does not respond by shouted at, threatening, or smacked. This doesn’t work long term.” 3 minutes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MOa7YR7H3U
NEIL FELLOWES: Authoritative Parenting: Example and Tip for Mornings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5shCAHIlVrM
AUTHORITATIVE PARENT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksFbDKxPnJ0
From the Cosby Show: Authoritative Parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6iFWuNsjqY
HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD APPRECIATE THEIR UNIQUENESS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKZ_kAJHGjQ Kids sometimes feel like an outsider at school and may need help to know that every well adjusted human being feels like this occasionally. Appreciate and celebrate their uniqueness. This approach shows respect for their feelings.
SPANKING
There are many posts on social media about SPANKING. They usually start off, “I was spanked and I turned out ok.” While that may be true, what are you teaching your children by hitting them? Just think of this little person who cannot defend himself or herself or run away and they are being hit by someone they trust. You could well RAISING A BULLY! It’s a crime to hit an adult, why wouldn’t it be a crime to hit a child? Here are tips to figure out your style and how to modify or change what you do if you want to.
Numerous studies say that spanking is bad for your child. The answer is not: “Well my Dad/ Mother beat me and I turned out OK.”
What they learn is that:
1) They cannot be open and honest with Mommy or Daddy anymore- that reinforces lying and hiding things.
2) That if Mommy or Daddy hit me then hitting people is okay.
3) You are perpetuating this style of parenting.
ANOTHER REASON NOT TO SPANK: RAISING A BULLY A new study continues to add to the pile of research that suggests that parents who spank risk harming not only their child’s bottom, but also their future.
Children who were spanked more than twice a month were 50 percent more likely than those who weren’t spanked to develop aggressive behaviors. These bullying behaviors included things such as getting into fights, exhibiting mean behavior toward others, and destroying toys and property.
The new study comes from researchers at Tulane University, who examined three year-old children whose mothers reported spanking them more than twice a month. The research was correlational in nature, so it could not establish a direct causal relationship with aggression. However, unlike prior research into this behavior, the new study took into account how aggressive kids were to begin with as well as other factors could have biased the results.
“This evidence base suggests that primary prevention of violence can start with efforts to prevent the use of corporal punishment against children,” noted Catherine Taylor, PhD, MSW, MPH, of Tulane University School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine in New Orleans, and colleagues. (See the results of a study on Spanking published in Pediatrics Magazine: https://psychcentral.com/news/2010/04/12/another-reason-not-to-spank-raising-a-bully/12797.html
The HAWAIIAN CULTURE HAS A UNIQUE WAY OF RAISING CHILDREN:
Traditional Hawaiian parenting was far different than what it is practiced today. Too often the term “I go lick you!” is used in Hawaiian households. I know of stories from the previous generation where a Hawaiian child would be caned and/or whipped and then salt or vinegar would be thrown on the wound and they called that the “Hawaiian way”. Torturing children in the name of “discipline” was not the Hawaiian way.
Traditionally, Hawaiians kids spent more of their time with their grandparents than their actual parents. This allowed knowledge to be passed down directly. Hawaiian children under the age of 8 were in general taught manners, etiquette, polite behavior, values, and the mo’olelo of their ancestors. Polite behavior and manners was thought of as the first steps towards learning a trade and living within a community–not unlike our Polynesian cousins and the Japanese way of education. That is also a key point–living within a community and how to behave within a community as a part of child development. They were allowed to play around and encouraged to learn by modeling their elders. Discipline normally came in terms of explaining and admonishing behaviors through words. Hawaiians had a process of exclusion (hoʻomū) when it came to children who consistently misbehaved but that was after discussions with a priest and after a change in diet, exercise and massaging. Hawaiians believed that kids could change their behavior if that energy could be discussed with experts, diets changed, that energy could be massaged out and healed. Hitting, spanking, slapping and caning a child were considered kapu because a child especially under 8 years old was considered to still be spiritually directly linked to the deceased ancestors. One can not slap one’s ancestors therefore one can not slap a child. As a child grew older, past 8, other methods were used to “discipline” the child mostly assigning him/her to projects such as building walls or paths. In worst case scenarios, exclusion was used.
Children of the kahuna class in addition to value-formation would be given games to enhance their memories. Practicing oration and memorizing chants would begin around age 6 and continue for the rest of the lives. Some islands had special kahuna schools as well where children between the ages of 8 to 13 could be sent to learn.
Children of the ali’i were normally at some point around age 6 transferred to a pālama, a type of fort like school where they would begin their training in politics, war, history, as well as the martial arts. Sometimes the children of the kahuna would also attend. But before attending the pālama, children of the aliʻi were also “disciplined” in the same ways as the common children.
What radically changed Hawaiian child rearing was the Calvinist missionaries–and their impact still continues. The Calvinist missionaries brought with them ideas that children were “little adults” and introduced corporal punishment. The “I go lick you” or “I go paʻi your mouth” or the notion that physically abusing a child in order to discipline the child has no basis in pre-Contact Hawaiian culture.We also know that Māori (https://teara.govt.nz/en/nga-matua-maori-parenting) and Tahitian child rearing and underlining ideas were almost the same as Hawaiian so that confirms that these principles were very ancient and ingrained to our ancestors before the missionaries came with their “spare the rod, spoil the child” and “idle hands are the Devilʻs play things” mentality. That missionary way of thought and that systemic violence that many of our kūpuna faced in their own lives, they brought it into their homes. Thatʻs something we must decolonize ourselves. I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR FEEDBACK!
Debbie Hecht: Thoughts & Theories 