This is from a sermon at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Solana Beach, CA, November 16,2025. The video is below.
The Power of Resilience
Good morning. My name is Debbie Hecht It is so nice to be here with my Unitarian family. Please give a warm welcome to some special guests, my friends from the Del Mar memoir writing class. Their wisdom and life lessons on resilience are woven throughout.
I don’t know about you, but I feel deeply distressed with the state of our country. The hits just keep coming every single day. We are testing the resiliency of our laws and norms in this country. I personally need Resilience during these difficult, and disturbing times. I feel beat up by the news. I know people say, don’t watch, but I want to be an informed voter and I am curious about how other people think. Like a car wreck, I just can’t look away.
My son had a Bozo the clown punching bag with the red tufted side hair and a crazy grin. IT was weighted on the bottom. Bozo the clown stayed in the living room, until one of us walked by and whacked him. Down he’d go and popped right back up. Some days we seemed to whack Bozo more than others. When I think of resilience, I think of Bozo the clown and that bounce back ability.
Building the skill of resilience has been a do or die issue for me. Literally. I could not have survived the last 12 years of heart issues without building resilience. It started with breathlessness when walking stairs or playing tennis. I was in and out of the ER. I had A-fib so they determined an ablation would fix it. During the ablation they found I needed 2 stents. Got through that, thought I was good to go, then a year went by and then I had a stroke, that affected my eyes. Then over the last decade 3 more stents, 4 more ablations, another stroke, a pacemaker a watchman and a defibrillator. It was an avalanche of health problems to dig out of. As a result, I am chemically dependent, and battery operated. Sounds funny but it’s absolutely true. I have a heartfelt appreciation for my body and deep gratitude for the medical profession. It is amazing that I am alive. And sometimes I wonder why, and I’m sure it’s my resilience.
I was in my late 50s and figured I had maybe 40 years more if I was lucky. I want to be that lucky. Okay, how to get there? What were my priorities? At first, I didn’t realize I was building resilience. Humor and curiosity sure helped. I was good at prioritizing things from being a single mom and running my business and getting through a surgery for an aneurysm in 1991, when I was 40 years old. I was super lucky to see a cardiologist who heard the whooshing sound caused by the aneurysm in the artery. I lived with that for a year. My son was 8 or 9 years old, and I wanted to be around to see him grown up. I went to the surgeon and insisted they fix it. It was a very difficult surgery in the days before the femoral artery entry. After the operation, he told me that the aneurysm was ready to blow. How lucky was I? I wondered why I was still alive and felt deeply fortunate to see each and every day. I realized that I had the perspective of someone, closer to the end of their life. The aneurysm changed my life by teaching me to prioritize on a deeper more authentic level. Okay enough of the organ recital, but these challenges have been the foundation to building my resilience.
I believe that being authentic brings 3 things into alignment: what you think, what you say and what you do. Being authentic is at the heart of being resilient.
I’ve worked for myself for 47 years. I could pick and choose real estate or land conservation projects. I have been very fortunate to make a great living. Somedays life feels like an obstacle course to me, some days it’s best to just to step back and observe. These are in between times, when you are waiting to see how things develop or if the seeds you planted will sprout. I call this the Big Pause. It’s good to build in between times to pause and reflect and redirect if necessary. This skill builds resilience.
Resilience helps us to roll with the punches and to rise again, like Maya Angelou, who said,
“ You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
My dear friend Carol Mason, who many of you know as a founding member of this fellowship said she learned from her father to “get up, get dressed and get on with your day”- whatever your plan was do it anyway. This worked for her to rebound from her life’s challenges, .
Building the skill of resilience is like working a muscle. I found that certain traits build resilience for me:
Optimism, positive mental attitude, embracing change, a sense of humor, positive self-image, humility, persistence, and compassionate self-talk and helping others.
You can have the best of intentions, but it’s important to avoid traps like Self-pity, fear of change, comparing myself to others, erroneous assumptions, and self-limiting beliefs, taking things personally and negative self-talk.
Self-pity is definitely my worst trap. Through all of my ongoing heart issues, I always go through a self-pity phase. “Why me? I am so sick of this; I just want 2 years with nothing done to my poor old body.” It happens every time, I expect it now. I used to get disgusted with myself. What a waste of time, to wallow in self-pity. Now I say, “Okay girlie, you got 5 minutes to feel sorry for yourself and that’s it.” This always makes me laugh, which pops me out of the self-pity. Humor is a strong antidote. Try to flex your resilience to avoid this trap.
I used to Fear change, I actually used to hate change. My beloved dog died, a relationship ended, my grandmother died, I worried about going from 8th grade to high school, my parents divorced, where to go to college and leaving home. I’m such a homebody, it sometimes takes a crowbar to get me outof the house. Even the great thinkers don’t like change. James Baldwin said- “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” And Erica Jong, who famously wrote the book A Fear of Flying said, “I have accepted fear as part of life — specifically the fear of change…I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back…”
Curiosity is my antidote to fear of change. I get curious to see what unfolds. What’s going to happen next? Eckart Tolle wisely said: Some changes look negative on the surface, but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” That is the definition of having faith in fate. FAITH IN FATE. I have come to appreciate “the pause”. My life has been a series of work or conservation projects, political campaigns or advocating for legislation. When one project is complete, I found I could either be anxious OR rest, get curious to see what the next thing that might catch my interest. The Pause, rest, relax and reflect. Be curious to build resilience.
I found that comparing myself to others was a no-win situation. I’ve tried to do my best and be satisfied with that effort. That doesn’t mean I don’t learn from my mistakes or ask advice. Life is not a zero sum game. I found envy to be a red lag to stop and dig deeper. I learned if I don’t like what is happening, I can change it, and talk to the people that matter. I don’t let myself worry about being good enough or limit myself by playing small. This builds resilience.
Self-limiting beliefs or erroneous assumptions is the letting go part of resilience. It is the self-examination and letting go of what no longer works. It takes a brave soul to self-reflect on our beliefs and let go of what might not be true or work anymore.
Our cup is not half full or half empty but refillable with whatever we might want. Think about it, why would you limit yourself to one cup? Life can be a delicious buffet of delights. Many of these beliefs come from your family or origin. For example, My family was Dad, Mom, and brother, who were extremely neat orderly people. I am not, I’ll leave clothes on the chair, leave things on the bathroom counter I was ashamed of how sloppy I was. I went off to college and lived with 14 girls in a small dorm. I saw that half the girls were neater than me and half were even sloppier- Wow maybe I was normal, and my family was weird! That led me to question everything….A great lesson at age 19 in 1970, when the whole world was questioning the Vietnam war. Another lesson to build resiliency, what works and what to let go.
Negative self-talk is a big block to being the best you can be. This is also a form of letting go to build resilience. I’ve been playing tennis since I was 8 or 9 years old. At first with my Dad, who would test me and then competitively. I would get so frustrated and berate myself- “you are stinking up the court.” “You have got to be kidding me- you are not a tennis player.” What a joke you are.” I would complain to Dad about the wind, or the cold and he would say, “Ah quit your belly aching, we all have the same conditions.” I learned to walk it off and not complain. But the truth is, why would anyone believe in me if I cannot believe in myself and be my own cheerleader. I love the game; I love being in the zone. As I age, I can’t serve and get to the net anymore. I have widened my shot selection and my ability to move people around the court. The game went from mostly physical when I was younger to more of a mental chess game as I got older and slowed down. It wasn’t until my 40s that I recognized that my self-talk was limiting. I turned it around with better thoughts like, “Oh come on, you are doing the best you can.” Or everyone can have off days. Stop, be nice. A little self-compassion is an important way to build resilience. You have to trust that you did the best you could do at the time and as Maya Angelou said, “ Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.” As Rev Heather wisely said, “you have to trust your future self.”
Language is an important part of self-compassion. Flip the script. Instead of failing at something or thinking that this is a failure, you can flip the script and look at this setback as a building block to resilience.
If you keep going with persistence and tenacity you will get you to the goal. As Arianna Huffington wisely said, “We need to accept that we won’t always make the right decisions, that we’ll screw up royally sometimes – understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success.” Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before he made the lightbulb, but he saw each failure as a step to success, as steps in the process of invention. His famous quote is “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” That is the lesson in resiliency here! With the courage to begin the process, the curiosity to observe what needs to be changed and the perseverance and persistence to keep going. Like Carol’s father said, keep going, put one foot in front of the other. That is the recipe for resilience.
Taking things personally is another brutal trap, it can come from low self-esteem and wrecks your relationship with others. Eleanor Roosevelt, said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” A psychologist friend of mine, an ex-New Yorker has a great sense of humor. Roger is a punny guy and most wisely said, “ Don’t take things poisonally.” Not only does he speak to the damage done by poisoning a relationship but uses his stellar sense of humor to poke fun at our frailties. Don’t take things poisonally. Roger’s statement has us step into our humanity and reminds us that mostly everyone is doing their best. This belief builds optimism and resilience.
Being humble: From my readings, all of the great thinkers have a degree of humility. We are all in this together, we all fall, it’s how we get up, dust ourselves off and put one foot in front of the other. I always wished I could have known Eleanor Roosevelt, she is such an inspiration to me, for all of the good she has done in the world and her wisdom. she said, “I’m so glad I never feel important, it does complicate life!” A great lady. Humility clears the mind of ego and opens the eyes, to build resilience.
Getting overwhelmed is another trap- the antidote is to Develop problem solving skills-and breaking things down into manageable steps. What’s the goal, what’s the desired outcome? 1) Ask advice, gather research, and come up with several solutions. Who can help? Build a team? 2) decide and 3) layout steps to accomplish the goal. Bing bang boom. For example, I know that I will feel overwhelmed sometime during a remodel project, there will always be some unforeseen disaster once you open a wall or try to fix plumbing in old buildings. I often reach a time when I think “What were you thinking?” I now anticipate this happening, so before I begin, I write down all the reasons why I decided to start in the first place to remind myself of the positive aspects of the job and the end goal This also helps me sort out if I want to begin in the first place. This problem-solving process builds confidence and resilience for me.
Building strong social ties is one of biggest tools to building resilience and a happier longer life. When I worked with troubled teens in the late 90s, I came to believe in one student who had witnessed his brother’s shooting and felt responsible He was profoundly depressed, I worried he was suicidal. Through peer group support and our belief in him, he recovered and even started college. People believing in each other is powerful. As Emerson said in the Call to Worship reading:” … To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” The friendships built at this fellowship are the core of our resilience as a beloved community.
How strong are your resiliency skills? How do you avoid the traps of Self-pity, fear of change, comparing yourself to others, making erroneous assumptions and holding on to self-limiting beliefs, taking things personally or negative self-talk?
Life is a series of choices. Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Resilience is picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and learning from what happened. Don’t get caught in the Woe is ME’s. What will you choose to do? How will you connect with others to further your personal and our society’s collective goals? We must turn our norms into laws, to strengthen our institutions that have been challenged during this harrowing time.
These days resiliency is more important than ever, when the hits just keep on coming and hope is in short supply.The challenges of this moment must be met with a united front of connection, compassion and understanding that we are all in this together. We must shore up our connections to correct social injustice and renew conservation and collaborate to get the US back on track. The recent election showed what we can accomplish together! if we start with gratitude for our great country and for the wisdom and foresight of our ancestors. Let’s stand firm in the belief that the guard rails of democracy, are resilient. We must continue to remain vigilant to protect and honor the legacy of this great country. We must put one foot in front of the other each day and build our collective resilience, to continue to carry the flame of freedom. Nelson Mandela said during the fall of apartheid, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” And still like air, we rise.
LINK TO UTUBE VIDEO OF THE SERVICE ON RESILIENCY, which begins at 6 minutes with a wonderul Bach composition Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring, one of my favorites, played by Katie Klaerich. My talk is at around 45 minutes, there are several readings before the talk that are important to the theme of resilience. The readings include Ralph Waldo Emerson, Marianne Williamson and Maya Angelou. I hope you enjoy this uplifting service. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-dKhGs4MmU
From the Order of Service- The Cover and the Readings.
Call to worship
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Chalice lighting
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
Closing words
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
’Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
’Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
From And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou. Copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.
Debbie Hecht: Thoughts & Theories 